Recovery, Part 4
It's been almost four months since I threw my crutches in my apartment complex's dumpster and vowed to never look back at them. I was finally going to be able to walk, hike, yoga, cycle...and run!
Despite my initial excitement to run, the beginning of this round of recovery was been downright challenging. For weeks, I slogged through two miles at a time at paces that I could have probably walked faster. I struggled to moderate my breathing, I was sore all the time and I was frustrated that everyone around me seemed to judge the fact that I was running at all. A month or so ago, though, I finally started to feel my rhythm coming back. My speed was slowly, but surely, coming back and I was able to run 6 miles comfortably. I guess patience does pay off. I was still only running two or three times a week, but I was happy to see some progress after what felt like an endless ride on the struggle bus. Each run started to feel refreshing - I forgot how much I truly loved to run, how I truly lived to run. Hell yes!
But, here comes the hardest part.
Two or so weeks ago, I started noticing some pain and discomfort in my right hip. It never hurt while I was running, but the moment I stopped, it flared up. It felt the exact same as both hip fractures (just way less severe). For a week, I ignored it, passing it off that I was just sore and hyper-sensitive to any sensation in that area of my body. But as the pain has persisted, I've grown increasingly worried, increasingly anxious. So, I called my doctor and am waiting to schedule an appointment and MRI...and now it's just a waiting game.
I could totally just be sore, I could just be having ghost pain, I could just be inflicting psychosomatic symptoms on myself (it wouldn't be the first time). But, my thoughts are spiraling out of control already. What if this is happening for a third time? What if I can't run again...just after I started to learn to love running again? What if I have to back on crutches? What if I have to get a hip replacement at age 23? Why is this happening right after things were looking up and I was feeling happy again? I know that people aren't given problems larger than they can handle...but I truly don't know if I could handle a third fracture. Mentally, I don't know how I'd handle it. I can't just give up running. But, right now, the uncertainty of the situation is almost worse than any final answer from a doctor.
I was hesitant to tell anyone about my pain. Regardless of all the upward progress I was making and how awesome my body truly was feeling, I still fought against comments that I was diving too quickly into running, that I was going to hurt myself again, that I needed to find a new hobby. I was/am frustrated because I know my body best...and I am only running 2-3 days a week! So, amidst all the solicited (non-scientific based) medical opinions I seemed to already be getting, I did not want to add in this tidbit for people to use in their case against me. But, I promised to be open and honest about my recovery.
So, for now, it's a waiting game.