While I was cleaning up some things in my blog, I came across this (likely unfinished) draft that I wrote in November of 2015, but I never posted. While I wrote this 3.5 years ago (time flies!), so much of this remains true for me and also simultaneously shows me how much I have grown in the last few years, so I thought I would share! Anyone else feel the same way?
Uncomfortable (noun): an absence of comfort or ease; uneasiness or hardship
If I could have one word to describe the last few months, discomfort would absolutely be at the top of the list.
Transitioning to a new city has been incredibly uncomfortable, especially in terms of friendships and social life.
I was never the most popular girl in high school or college, but I always considered myself among the luckiest. I had the best friends in high school - a group that I am still close with to this day. When I moved to Tennessee, I admittedly had a harder time making friends, but once I did, it was like we had spent the past 20 years together, rather than just a few months. Those were my lifelong people; with them, I found total happiness and my identity.
When I first moved to San Diego and was having a challenging time making friends, I assumed a situation similar to college would happen again. I’d struggle for the obligatory three month period, and then, I would find friends. Looking back, I laugh at how easy and comfortable I thought it all would be.
In reality, what I have found is that making new social relationships is just plain hard, awful and uncomfortable.
As a naturally shy and highly introverted individual, it’s exhausting to continuously put myself out there, to try new things and to agree to plans I don’t have any personal interest in for the sake of making friends and connections. It’s uncomfortable to hover in the in-between stage of new friendships where you can’t completely open up with or be weird around people yet for fear of rejection and exclusion. It’s disheartening to see so many of your college friends making new friends so quickly. It’s uncomfortable to stand alone at events, at workouts, at work and just hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will approach you this time around. Most of all, it’s uncomfortable to experience so many new things (a new city, a new job, a new set of real-life challenges outside of homework and exams) without an in-person support network to lean on, vent with, cry with and laugh with.
I'm sure years later this is going to teach me a life lesson, but for now, I’d really like a sense of comfort.